Talk vs. Action

Harry made fast friends with a boy at school. At recess though, this friend plays and doesn't listen to him when he tries to converse. Harry talks a lot so I can't blame his friend, but it I'm glad I don't have to watch this. I hope he doesn't become that conspiratorial know-it-all at the coffee shop everyone avoids.

Time passed. We asked Harry how recess was going. He said it was fine, even though his friend runs around a lot. We asked if the girls run around just as much. He said, "No." Then he paused and thought.
"Girls talk a lot." A smile curled across his lips. Atta boy. Turn your weakness into a strength.

Ike was in the bath the other day and happened upon his penis. He pulled it away from his body, making it as long as he could and said, "Daddy! My penis is big!" I wanted to say something about how long and skinny doesn't really mean big, but then he pushed it back in and said, "Daddy! My penis is small!" That's when I realized he had no interest in having a large penis. Thank god for him.

Today I make a prediction. Ike will be an Ultimate Fighter. And 20 years from now, against my better instincts, I will root for him on the outside of a cage to nearly kill some tattooed giant with a criminal record. Mozart wrote his first composition at 5. Is 3 1/2 too young to start Gracie Jujitsu?

Small Tattoos

Harry told me a story the other day about how a friend of his at school stepped on a bee. He said the first time the boy stepped on it, it didn't die. But the second time he stepped on it, it did. He thought for a while, then offered that maybe the bee forgot to put his arms up to stop the boy's foot the second time. Probably because he was staring at something else, thinking. Harry said he does that all the time, sits and stares. I hope nobody steps on him during one of his reveries.

He also said that if he were to get a tattoo of a superhero on his penis it would have to be small. That needs no extra comment, especially not from his father from whom he's inherited his penis.

Harry's very adept at using the remote control now. He can bring up On Demand service himself and scroll through the channels to find the show he wants. Yesterday, he discovered there was more than one page of Ben Ten shows available, and when he scrolled to the second, he was very happy with the result. He screamed, "Daddy, wanna see me go down on Ben Ten?" Ahem.

Harry decided he wants to have a superhero party for his birthday and he's going to be Iron Man. He asked Ike who he wanted to be and Ike said, "Iron Man!" Harry said "You can't be Iron Man because I'm going to be Iron Man," to which Ike responded, with a touch of sadness, "Oh."

Ike put Harry's Ben Ten Ultimatrix watch on and came to show us. He said, "Mommy, lookit!" Mommy looked. He said, "Daddy, lookit!" I looked. Then he saw our cat, Nola, and said, "Nola, lookit!" Nola had little interest. But she's kind of a bitch.

Fast Times

Ike said his first unsolicited "I love you" today. I love him too.

He was also trying to mend Harry's broken Iron Man mask and, channeling Jeff Spicoli, looked up to me with guilty eyes and said, "I can fix it."

Harry showed his mettle yesterday:





I did too I might add by bringing the flip to his practice.

Wookit!

Ike's favorite word now is, "Wookit!" As in "Look it!" Which I know is two words and not an official conjunction, but whatever. At least I think he's saying "Look It!" He may actually be saying "Wookie!" since I've never met a kid who resembles a toddler Chewbacca as much as Ike. Not sure Harry's cut out to be Han Solo, however.

He's also been singing "Old MacDonald," a lot lately. His rendition goes something like this: "Has a farm... Pig! E-I-E-I-O!" (followed by really great pig sounds). He's not quite sure what belongs on a farm yet though. When he runs out of animals, he looks around the room and calls out other nouns, like "Has a farm... Spoon!" But then he usually doesn't have a sound for it.

The most annoying thing he does right now is when you offer him something, anything at all, he says "I wanna diff one." Pants, shirts, juice cups, washcloths. So you spend about ten minutes offering him different choices and inevitably he goes back to the first one. At which time, even though I knew all along it was coming to this, I'm dangerously close to poking him in the eye. And then asking if he wanted a different one.

Harry thinks it's funny that cowboys ride on horses. Personally I think it would be funnier if they rode on cows.

He's very into temporary tattoos right now and asked me why my tattoos don't ever rub off. I told him why, but he didn't understand. I'll have to take him to get a real one soon. We've been looking for activities for him anyway.

On a more depressing note, I was walking with him the other day and a homeless man asked us for money. This homeless man in particular happens to be a guy I see all the time telling gay men they're going to hell, so I don't give him money. When Harry asked me what he wanted I explained that sometimes people ask for help if they need it. He asked why I didn't help that guy. I told him he wasn't a very nice person. He thought about this for a while, then asked me if you only help nice people. I'm starting to long for the days when Scooby Doo was all we talked about.

Daddy?

Harry's favorite word is "Daddy," though he says it so fast it sounds more like Da-ee. He says it at least 4000 times a day. He says it before he asks a question, as in, "Da-ee, can I play Ben Ten today?" He says it at the end of a question, as in, "Can I play Ben Ten today, Da-ee?" He says it when he's telling me something very important, as in, "Da-ee my balloon isn't up anymore." And he says it when he's telling me something that's not so important, as in, "Da-ee, my balloon isn't up anymore." He even says it when he has nothing to say, as in, "Da-ee... um... um... Da-ee?" At this point, I feel like I'm basically punctuation. When it's career day at school, I'll be introduced as a comma.

Ike says whatever Harry says. Twice. Needless to say I'm starting to rethink those days when all I wanted was to hear the sweet voice of my child say "Daddy."

Harry was talking so much yesterday that at four o'clock in the afternoon he actually said, "Da-ee, my neck's tired from talking." Then he said my name again. And went on to say:

"Sometimes pigeons fly too fast and bump into cars." I agreed. Then he asked me if when that happens, do they die? I said they do. He thought about this, then said, "that's okay, because there's never not going to be pigeons. When one dies there's always going to be more pigeons." As much as Merle hates to admit this, it's true.

At some point recently he learned about patterns. Now he sees them everywhere. Red, blue, red, blue... Ike's book, Harry's book, Ike's book, Harry's book. Vicki (the babysitter), Josefina (the other babysitter), Vicki, Josephina.... He's also crazy about counting as high as he can. He got to 199 the other day. I'm not sure whether or not I should encourage this mathy behavior at such a young age. On the one hand, it's pretty deep. On the other, I envision his future as a rambling lunatic counting parking meters in the Tenderloin.

In a related story, he almost completely lost his shit because I told him "eleventeen" wasn't a number. Ultimately I had to back down. But I know I'm right.

Ike drinks about a 1/2 gallon of juice a day. We're trying to get him to use the toilet but it's like trying to potty train a fountain. Ike is so juice crazy, if we say any word that even sounds like the word "juice," he turns into a murderous crack head. If I told Harry we celebrate Hanukkah because we're "jews," Ike would rip the refrigerator door off. I won't be surprised when Ike pawns our TV for some "apple."

Girls, Girls, Girls

Okay, so the "you look cool" thing is getting out of hand. Harry's saying it to get what he wants. As in, "Daddy, you look cool. Can I watch another show?" No, Harry. Not until your powers of discernment are more refined. I know I don't look cool in pajamas.

The word "cool" is also getting kind of old in the house. Ikey even says it now. And he skips "L" through "P" in his A-B-C's. Don't they know if everything's cool, nothing's cool?

Harry loves the ATM. What kid wouldn't? Buttons, noises, money comes out. It's magic. I tried to explain to him how banks work. That we (read: Mommy) make money from work and the bank keeps it until we need it, and we take it out. He said, "So banks are good." I referred him to Paul Krugman's editorials.

Walking home on a cold day Harry put his hands in his pockets and said, "Daddy, pockets are like hot-chocolate for your hands." I felt weird having such a sweet little kid on my hands at that moment. As though I was definitely going to screw it up somehow.

We were checking the sizes of the shirts in his closet to see which were his and which were Ike's. I explained that Harry wears a four and Ike wears a two (though he wears a four, just like Harry, but it wouldn't have helped my logic lesson). Harry asked me if I wear a thirty-nine. Cute. Then he asked if next year I'd wear a forty. Not quite as cute.

He was going on today about why Iron Man stickers stick better than other ones. Typically, I tuned out, but when he finished his lecture he asked, "right, Daddy?" I absently said, "I don't know, we'll have to get to the bottom of it," and he said, "But we're already on the top of it." If nothing else, it proves I should be listening better.

At the dinner table, Harry asked me who I loved. I said Mommy, Ike, Harry and the rest of our family. Then I asked him the same question. He thought about it and said three girls in his class (who will remain nameless for this article). Three girls. No parents. No family. Here we go.

Quoting Ike without seeing the delivery is unfair because he's a more physical comedian than Harry. But if you haven't already, I strongly recommend getting tickets to his "Making a Muscle." It's not to be missed. Nor is the part in "Peeing on the Potty" when he forgets to tuck his wiener down. That's always a laugh riot. And of course, "Hide and Seek" is a gut-buster too, now that he can count to ten without needing help with his lines.