You Look Cool

As I was leaving the house today, Harry said "I want to hang out with you today because you look cool." I didn't look particularly cool and for a brief moment I considered changing. But a few minutes later, I overheard him telling Ike that he looked "cute." Ike did look cute, so I guess I'm going to trust Harry's taste from now on.

I picked up Harry from school yesterday and for the two-block, ten-minute walk home he didn't stop talking. Not for one second. In the middle of his diatribe about everything from his new Wolverine game to a movie he couldn't remember the name of but that's called Monsters vs. Aliens, he said, "Mommy said when you talk someone's ears off their ears fall off." But then kept on going at full clip. I guess he doesn't understand the ramifications of my ears falling off.

I was also reminded of an old Harry-ism the other day I want to put down for posterity. Pork-cork. Which I won't explain, but don't want to forget. Hey, Rach, where'd the pork cork go?

Ike's ABCs are coming along. He used to just sing the last verse to the tune: "now I now I now I now..." Recently though, it's progressed to, "now I now I now I now..." (long pause while Daddy sings the boring bit about "next time"), then: "come sing with me!" With a heavy emphasis on the "me." I think he likes singing about himself.

He also likes using Harry's plastic golf club. I finally taught him to hold it with both hands, but he wields it backwards, like a hockey stick. One of these days I know he's going to pull Harry's jersey over his head and start knocking his teeth out.

Hi. Good. Yep.

As I was putting my socks on today, Harry said it smelled like feet. I said maybe I should change my socks and he told me to change my feet.

At our Hanukkah lunch yesterday, two of his cousins had a dispute. Oscar said Ruben hit him. Ruben denied it. It went back and forth, parents tried to get to the bottom of it, until out of nowhere Harry interjected and said, "Ruben, you're just saying you didn't hit Oscar but you did." And that was the end of the truth commission. It was very strange. I was tempted to explain the whole "tattling" thing to Harry. But then again, it was such an elegant if accidental way to get to the bottom of it all. Maybe he'll be an umpire when he grows up. Or Santa Claus.

He also told me a girl in his class used him as a pillow the other day. I know I have some time on that one but it made me nervous. I mean, do you want your son to be the pillow or the head?

Ike's big on the phone these days. He always wants to "call gramma." He's always got the same thing to say, too: "Hi." "Good." "Yep." Then he hands the phone over. Seeing as how he's just imitating us, I have to say, we sound pretty boring on playback.



Ike also really likes the shower now. This was discovered after he pooped in the tub while bathing with Harry. Amazing how unfazed they were sitting in a tub of poop. I can't imagine anything worse. Is becoming disgusted by poop the true loss of innocence?

shooted

Well, it's Hanukkah. And on the second night, Harry wondered if the Hanukkah guy was coming so we could open presents. Jews of the world, take note. We need a Hanukkah guy.

The other day I told him to look in his room for his shoe and he said he already did and it's not there. I said yes it is. He said, no it's not, "I looked and my eyes were big and I could see the whole room and I didn't see it." The shoe was there, but at least I now know he's a forest not a tree guy.

We watched Iron Giant and he asked me why the hunters "shooted" the deer. Trying to avoid the subject of hunting for at least a few more months, I said some people shoot the animals and eat them for food. He asked me if I shooted the chicken we had last night.

Out of nowhere Ike can count to 14 now. He also knows lots of letters. Now that everything is about sibling rivalry, if Ike knows something Harry doesn't... it gets ugly fast. I've been trying to slow his learning down but I can't.

Ike also smiles mischievously and asks, "whahsay?" He'll keep doing it over and over and I have to admit it's very cute for the first thirty times.

K?

When Harry woke up this morning he said that he'd had a bad dream. I asked him what it was about and he told me, "a skeleton was coming out of there," by which he meant his closet. I really hope he doesn't have skeletons in his closet. He's only four and quarter.

He also heard a bit of classical music today and said he didn't like it. He said sometimes bad songs are written by good guys. That's very true. But I think the opposite is true more often.

Ike doesn't have a huge vocabulary but he can now add "diarrhea" to his lexicon. And more than a few diapers.

He also says, "k?" As in okay. A lot. After every sentence. Like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2.

From Here to Saturn

In order to quote every precious thing Harry says these days I'd have to put a wire on him. Since he doesn't even like the tags on the back of his shirts, taping a mic to his chest isn't an option, so here's a quick sampling:

We were playing Crazy 8's and I told him that when he holds his cards in his hand it's called a fan. He told me, "it's also called a full housin'."

He told me the bad guy on Batman is called the "Judger." I had a hard time deciphering that one but eventually figured he meant the Joker. He said, "Yeah, the Joker, 'cause he's always telling everyone funny jokes." Personally, I think the Judger would be a cooler bad guy than the Joker.

He also asked Rach if when we got married we went out and hugged and kissed each other. Which we did.

In a particularly circular bit of logic, he said he likes his new babysitter Joanna. Why? Because she likes when he shows her how to use his leapfrog, which he likes to do so he likes her and she likes him.

Best of all he said he loved mommy so much he loved her from here to Saturn. Me too, Mommy.

Ike's working on his counting these days: "One, two, seven... nine... seven! Blast off!"

He also thinks all sports on TV are soccer. So during the World Series, he would say, "Daddy Soccer?"

He's also got all the foods down that the Very Hungry Caterpillar ate on Saturday: "chocake (chocolate cake), i-cree (ice cream), pickul (pickle), cheese (obvious), mami (salami), lolpop (obvious, too), pis cher pa (piece of cherry pie), sachich (sausage, my fav), cucake (cupcake) pis wamella! (piece of watermellon!)" Then he rounds it out with his impersonation of a caterpillar with a stomach ache: (face scrunched) ooooh!

Popin'

About a year ago, Harry invented... well a word, but it's also an action. "Poping," as in, "Daddy, I'm poping." Poping is best described as pimpin' with a cane, even though Harry doesn't know what pimping is. He takes a stick, umbrella, you name it and starts strutting with it. No idea where he picked it up, but he had an umbrella in his hand the other day and out of the blue, started to teach Ike to "Pope." And I have to admit, Ike's a good Poper. Maybe better than Harry.

Harry had a Halloween party today and went dressed as Iron Man. Someone thought he was a power ranger. C'mon, seriously? A power ranger? My kid?

He also told me that a girl from his class has a nice smile. That he likes her smile and other girls' smiles too. But he ALSO said that he doesn't like one boys' eyes. Rach thought maybe Damien from the Omen was in his class but it turns out the kid's Chinese. I shit you not.

Ike has a firm grasp of ownership now. He points to everyone in the room and says, "Harry Juice, Ikey Juice, Daddy Juice." But he still thinks everything's his.

Get Down Girl

Ike saw a mummy on TV and said "Mummies lots of boo boos!" Never thought of it that way, but it's an impressive conclusion to make. He also thinks all superheroes are Spider Man. Which drives Harry crazy, especially since Harry's underwear are covered with lots of different superheroes.

Harry and I were walking home Friday night and he was singing "Gold Digger," which is his favorite song, even though he thinks it's called "Get Down Girl, G'head Get Down." So we wind up on the corner and three young ladies are all dolled up to go out and he starts singing the chorus, "Get Down Girl, G'head Get Down." He's already got his pick up lines down.

Harry was also very excited about my movie Secrets in the Walls airing on TV. But when he caught ten minutes he got scared. At bedtime, he asked me not to write scary movies anymore, and then this morning, while he and Ike were brushing their teeth, he asked Ike: "Ike? Did Secrets in the Walls scare you?" But nothing scares Ike. Except the prospect of a global "juice-milk" shortage.

No one Loses

Harry was racing Ike to the top of the hill today and stopped, took some dramatic breaths and said, "Daddy, I'm out of power." Despite this, he beat Ike to the top and yelled "I win!" Ike wasn't far behind and also yelled, "I win!" I like that Ike doesn't actually know what that means. 'Cause when he finds out, it's gonna get ugly around here. I also asked Harry if he knows what a tie is. He said he does, but didn't provide an answer. So I asked/said, "Is a tie when no one wins?" He corrected me and said "No, it's when no one loses." God, I'm such a bummer.

Also, Ike now asks "Where it is?" Instead of Where is it. But I think it's because he's training to be a pimp.

Daddy Juice!

That's pure Ike right there. We went through the pre-loaded icons on my phone and identified the pictures. "Cat... Dog... basketball..." (which was actually a smiley face, but close enough). But it gets better: the next image was a mud flap girl and Ike said, "mommy!" High five for that. Next image was a wine glass and he said, "Daddy Juice!" No high five for that.

Harry has so many gems these days it's hard to remember them all. I accidentally mentioned the death of someone's grandmother in front of him the other day and he's been very curious about it. I told him old people eventually fall asleep forever. He said he wouldn't like that. But he's just a kid. And there's no old kids, right daddy? I didn't want to get into an explanation of Progeria so I just agreed. The other thing he says these days when he's reminded of something he'd like to do is, "I've never done that in a while." He also told my father to be Captain America for Halloween because he's big.

FRED!

I told Harry that Mommy and I were going to a wedding. He said he doesn't like weddings. The one he went to with mommy was " just two people getting in love."

He also was playing with his Batman toy and noticed something very interesting. "Batman wears the same Batman shirt as me!"

He also finally understands the division of labor on Scooby Doo: "Shaggy and Scooby eat; Velma does science, Fred sets traps and Daphne says 'Fred!' Because some ladies don't like traps."

And I'm in the middle of doing a linguistic study of Ike. As Eskimos have over a hundred words for snow, Ike seems to have over a hundred words for "no." But as far as I can tell, they convey no nuance. They all just mean "no."

My Son is Collier Strong

Harry's watching Scooby Doo and says, "Velma's wearing lipstick today." And if that's not odd enough, he follows up with, "Maybe it's Daphne's."

He also said, "some doors are windows, some doors have windows in the down part and some have windows in the other thing." If makeup artist doesn't work out, I think he could be an interior designer.

My favorite phrase of Ike's now is "ice cream chocolate," which can mean ice cream of any flavor or chocolate of any shape. He also had me singing the theme song to the Pink Panther. I switched it up on him and sang Thomas the Train which he identified as "Choo choo Thomas!" Then he had me going back and forth between the two like a mash up. I wasn't bad.

Daddy's no superhero

Harry told me he had a bad dream but didn't want to tell me what it was about. Then he told me what it was about: apparently there was a bad guy who was bonking me on the head. I told him he didn't need to worry about me because I can take care of bad guys. He thought about it, then told me he didn't really think so.

So I'm putting that little prick to work as a chef:



















Ike pointed to three different things in row today that were orange and said "orange." And no, they weren't oranges. He also gave me a head butt. And then he kissed the lump.

My son is a genius

Been awhile folks. Here goes:

While I was away on a Steve Belkin retreat, Harry spent the day with his friend Annabel. He told me about her "singing beaver." Apparently, and I'm not kidding, it had a little red button that, when pressed, it sang. That's my boy.

He also told me while watching Spider Man that he doesn't like when vulture-men take beautiful girls and many times since my last post he's mentioned how much he loves mommy because she's warm. That she is.

As for Ike. Wow. These days he's saying "tanks" when you deliver juice. He knows all the words in his big picture book but since Harry's saying the first letter, Ike thinks that's now part of the word too. So he says, "one is for dog" and "g is for boy." you get the picture. he also says "please" like "mother fucker," which is kind of awesome actually. "Daddy I want more juice, PLEASE!"

more soon. i've been lazy. no longer (thanks DM)

Math

Been a while but I couldn't avoid writing this down. So Harry learned what a knuckle was today. Later, in the bath, he said, "Daddy, I have eight nipples!" Naturally, I asked him to explain and he proceeded to count four knuckles on one hand, then four on the other. He said, four plus four is eight. Eight nipples. 800 Math, 550 English.

All I can say about Ike is "DIEGO DIAPER!" If you know him, you know that phrase.

Cool but Punchable

Today when I was playing soccer with Harry he said,"you're nice to me. I love you. And you look cool, Daddy." Finally someone appreciates me.

The jury's still out on Ike. I stubbed my toe and dropped to my knees in pain. Rach told Ike to give me a kiss. Instead he socked me in the jaw. Funny kid.

Eenie...













Meanie..













Mynie..













Moe!













Ike discovers bon-bons in the process.

Harry: "When I cuddle with Mommy I think of Daphne from Scooby-Doo."
Ike: "Amfassoo" Translation: I'm faster.

cialis boys

Harry: "When dogs grow up to be people can they eat cream cheese?"
Issac: "Da-suo." translation: "thank you."

Everything is Beautiful

A full day with the boys so lots to report, but one more thing about zombies: apparently, they can't catch Scooby and Shaggy because they're old and slow. Duh.

Sussing out classes at "The San Francisco Gymnastics Academy," Harry was sad because he couldn't actually do gymnastics with the other kids (despite the fact that I patiently explained we hadn't signed the paperwork yet). He thought the little girls in their leotards were beautiful, though. He also thought the sidewalk was beautiful today, "the sparkles on it, the dog poop..." Not sure if he knows what beautiful means.

Ike and Harry played hugged, tackled and giggled while waiting for our table at lunch. Brotherly love. Finally.

Rach is obsessed with Ike right now. Tough not to be. Curls curls curls. He too got a lollipop after Harry's haircut. Harry crunched, and, much to my surprise, Ike savored. Didn't think Ike savored. He's a mysterious guy.

Zombies Are Weird and Live at the Beach

It's true, I saw it on Scooby-Doo with Harry tonight. Earlier today, Harry was skipping downhill from the car and asked, "Do you know why you don't run down hills?" Then he answered his own question: "because you'll turn into a ball and fall forever." Less Scooby-Doo is in his future.

Isaac made a tower at least seven blocks tall, then knocked it over. He identified a pig with the word "pig" instead of just a snort. Progress. He also wrapped his mother's feather boa around his neck, which was pretty funny. I know this because he said, "funny!"

Today was also the first day of Bakugan in their lives. I hope it's the last.

Today is the first day of Ike and Harry's biography so I won't say much besides the fact that Uncle Jonny suggested this, it seemed like a good idea, and we'll see if it is.

What happened today?
Ike very clearly said "Uncle Jonny." He also galloped in a way I've never seen before. Rachel also noted that he's half my size. With two months to go before his 2nd birthday, that's a foreboding thought.
Harry asked for and ate a tamale (strange craving) though he avoided the cheese (not easy). Then he ate a grilled cheese Jonny made because Ike was enjoying it. He also started watching the new(er) Astro Boy. Better animation but dad thinks the stories might be worse.