Small Tattoos

Harry told me a story the other day about how a friend of his at school stepped on a bee. He said the first time the boy stepped on it, it didn't die. But the second time he stepped on it, it did. He thought for a while, then offered that maybe the bee forgot to put his arms up to stop the boy's foot the second time. Probably because he was staring at something else, thinking. Harry said he does that all the time, sits and stares. I hope nobody steps on him during one of his reveries.

He also said that if he were to get a tattoo of a superhero on his penis it would have to be small. That needs no extra comment, especially not from his father from whom he's inherited his penis.

Harry's very adept at using the remote control now. He can bring up On Demand service himself and scroll through the channels to find the show he wants. Yesterday, he discovered there was more than one page of Ben Ten shows available, and when he scrolled to the second, he was very happy with the result. He screamed, "Daddy, wanna see me go down on Ben Ten?" Ahem.

Harry decided he wants to have a superhero party for his birthday and he's going to be Iron Man. He asked Ike who he wanted to be and Ike said, "Iron Man!" Harry said "You can't be Iron Man because I'm going to be Iron Man," to which Ike responded, with a touch of sadness, "Oh."

Ike put Harry's Ben Ten Ultimatrix watch on and came to show us. He said, "Mommy, lookit!" Mommy looked. He said, "Daddy, lookit!" I looked. Then he saw our cat, Nola, and said, "Nola, lookit!" Nola had little interest. But she's kind of a bitch.

Fast Times

Ike said his first unsolicited "I love you" today. I love him too.

He was also trying to mend Harry's broken Iron Man mask and, channeling Jeff Spicoli, looked up to me with guilty eyes and said, "I can fix it."

Harry showed his mettle yesterday:





I did too I might add by bringing the flip to his practice.

Wookit!

Ike's favorite word now is, "Wookit!" As in "Look it!" Which I know is two words and not an official conjunction, but whatever. At least I think he's saying "Look It!" He may actually be saying "Wookie!" since I've never met a kid who resembles a toddler Chewbacca as much as Ike. Not sure Harry's cut out to be Han Solo, however.

He's also been singing "Old MacDonald," a lot lately. His rendition goes something like this: "Has a farm... Pig! E-I-E-I-O!" (followed by really great pig sounds). He's not quite sure what belongs on a farm yet though. When he runs out of animals, he looks around the room and calls out other nouns, like "Has a farm... Spoon!" But then he usually doesn't have a sound for it.

The most annoying thing he does right now is when you offer him something, anything at all, he says "I wanna diff one." Pants, shirts, juice cups, washcloths. So you spend about ten minutes offering him different choices and inevitably he goes back to the first one. At which time, even though I knew all along it was coming to this, I'm dangerously close to poking him in the eye. And then asking if he wanted a different one.

Harry thinks it's funny that cowboys ride on horses. Personally I think it would be funnier if they rode on cows.

He's very into temporary tattoos right now and asked me why my tattoos don't ever rub off. I told him why, but he didn't understand. I'll have to take him to get a real one soon. We've been looking for activities for him anyway.

On a more depressing note, I was walking with him the other day and a homeless man asked us for money. This homeless man in particular happens to be a guy I see all the time telling gay men they're going to hell, so I don't give him money. When Harry asked me what he wanted I explained that sometimes people ask for help if they need it. He asked why I didn't help that guy. I told him he wasn't a very nice person. He thought about this for a while, then asked me if you only help nice people. I'm starting to long for the days when Scooby Doo was all we talked about.

Daddy?

Harry's favorite word is "Daddy," though he says it so fast it sounds more like Da-ee. He says it at least 4000 times a day. He says it before he asks a question, as in, "Da-ee, can I play Ben Ten today?" He says it at the end of a question, as in, "Can I play Ben Ten today, Da-ee?" He says it when he's telling me something very important, as in, "Da-ee my balloon isn't up anymore." And he says it when he's telling me something that's not so important, as in, "Da-ee, my balloon isn't up anymore." He even says it when he has nothing to say, as in, "Da-ee... um... um... Da-ee?" At this point, I feel like I'm basically punctuation. When it's career day at school, I'll be introduced as a comma.

Ike says whatever Harry says. Twice. Needless to say I'm starting to rethink those days when all I wanted was to hear the sweet voice of my child say "Daddy."

Harry was talking so much yesterday that at four o'clock in the afternoon he actually said, "Da-ee, my neck's tired from talking." Then he said my name again. And went on to say:

"Sometimes pigeons fly too fast and bump into cars." I agreed. Then he asked me if when that happens, do they die? I said they do. He thought about this, then said, "that's okay, because there's never not going to be pigeons. When one dies there's always going to be more pigeons." As much as Merle hates to admit this, it's true.

At some point recently he learned about patterns. Now he sees them everywhere. Red, blue, red, blue... Ike's book, Harry's book, Ike's book, Harry's book. Vicki (the babysitter), Josefina (the other babysitter), Vicki, Josephina.... He's also crazy about counting as high as he can. He got to 199 the other day. I'm not sure whether or not I should encourage this mathy behavior at such a young age. On the one hand, it's pretty deep. On the other, I envision his future as a rambling lunatic counting parking meters in the Tenderloin.

In a related story, he almost completely lost his shit because I told him "eleventeen" wasn't a number. Ultimately I had to back down. But I know I'm right.

Ike drinks about a 1/2 gallon of juice a day. We're trying to get him to use the toilet but it's like trying to potty train a fountain. Ike is so juice crazy, if we say any word that even sounds like the word "juice," he turns into a murderous crack head. If I told Harry we celebrate Hanukkah because we're "jews," Ike would rip the refrigerator door off. I won't be surprised when Ike pawns our TV for some "apple."

Girls, Girls, Girls

Okay, so the "you look cool" thing is getting out of hand. Harry's saying it to get what he wants. As in, "Daddy, you look cool. Can I watch another show?" No, Harry. Not until your powers of discernment are more refined. I know I don't look cool in pajamas.

The word "cool" is also getting kind of old in the house. Ikey even says it now. And he skips "L" through "P" in his A-B-C's. Don't they know if everything's cool, nothing's cool?

Harry loves the ATM. What kid wouldn't? Buttons, noises, money comes out. It's magic. I tried to explain to him how banks work. That we (read: Mommy) make money from work and the bank keeps it until we need it, and we take it out. He said, "So banks are good." I referred him to Paul Krugman's editorials.

Walking home on a cold day Harry put his hands in his pockets and said, "Daddy, pockets are like hot-chocolate for your hands." I felt weird having such a sweet little kid on my hands at that moment. As though I was definitely going to screw it up somehow.

We were checking the sizes of the shirts in his closet to see which were his and which were Ike's. I explained that Harry wears a four and Ike wears a two (though he wears a four, just like Harry, but it wouldn't have helped my logic lesson). Harry asked me if I wear a thirty-nine. Cute. Then he asked if next year I'd wear a forty. Not quite as cute.

He was going on today about why Iron Man stickers stick better than other ones. Typically, I tuned out, but when he finished his lecture he asked, "right, Daddy?" I absently said, "I don't know, we'll have to get to the bottom of it," and he said, "But we're already on the top of it." If nothing else, it proves I should be listening better.

At the dinner table, Harry asked me who I loved. I said Mommy, Ike, Harry and the rest of our family. Then I asked him the same question. He thought about it and said three girls in his class (who will remain nameless for this article). Three girls. No parents. No family. Here we go.

Quoting Ike without seeing the delivery is unfair because he's a more physical comedian than Harry. But if you haven't already, I strongly recommend getting tickets to his "Making a Muscle." It's not to be missed. Nor is the part in "Peeing on the Potty" when he forgets to tuck his wiener down. That's always a laugh riot. And of course, "Hide and Seek" is a gut-buster too, now that he can count to ten without needing help with his lines.

You Look Cool

As I was leaving the house today, Harry said "I want to hang out with you today because you look cool." I didn't look particularly cool and for a brief moment I considered changing. But a few minutes later, I overheard him telling Ike that he looked "cute." Ike did look cute, so I guess I'm going to trust Harry's taste from now on.

I picked up Harry from school yesterday and for the two-block, ten-minute walk home he didn't stop talking. Not for one second. In the middle of his diatribe about everything from his new Wolverine game to a movie he couldn't remember the name of but that's called Monsters vs. Aliens, he said, "Mommy said when you talk someone's ears off their ears fall off." But then kept on going at full clip. I guess he doesn't understand the ramifications of my ears falling off.

I was also reminded of an old Harry-ism the other day I want to put down for posterity. Pork-cork. Which I won't explain, but don't want to forget. Hey, Rach, where'd the pork cork go?

Ike's ABCs are coming along. He used to just sing the last verse to the tune: "now I now I now I now..." Recently though, it's progressed to, "now I now I now I now..." (long pause while Daddy sings the boring bit about "next time"), then: "come sing with me!" With a heavy emphasis on the "me." I think he likes singing about himself.

He also likes using Harry's plastic golf club. I finally taught him to hold it with both hands, but he wields it backwards, like a hockey stick. One of these days I know he's going to pull Harry's jersey over his head and start knocking his teeth out.

Hi. Good. Yep.

As I was putting my socks on today, Harry said it smelled like feet. I said maybe I should change my socks and he told me to change my feet.

At our Hanukkah lunch yesterday, two of his cousins had a dispute. Oscar said Ruben hit him. Ruben denied it. It went back and forth, parents tried to get to the bottom of it, until out of nowhere Harry interjected and said, "Ruben, you're just saying you didn't hit Oscar but you did." And that was the end of the truth commission. It was very strange. I was tempted to explain the whole "tattling" thing to Harry. But then again, it was such an elegant if accidental way to get to the bottom of it all. Maybe he'll be an umpire when he grows up. Or Santa Claus.

He also told me a girl in his class used him as a pillow the other day. I know I have some time on that one but it made me nervous. I mean, do you want your son to be the pillow or the head?

Ike's big on the phone these days. He always wants to "call gramma." He's always got the same thing to say, too: "Hi." "Good." "Yep." Then he hands the phone over. Seeing as how he's just imitating us, I have to say, we sound pretty boring on playback.



Ike also really likes the shower now. This was discovered after he pooped in the tub while bathing with Harry. Amazing how unfazed they were sitting in a tub of poop. I can't imagine anything worse. Is becoming disgusted by poop the true loss of innocence?

shooted

Well, it's Hanukkah. And on the second night, Harry wondered if the Hanukkah guy was coming so we could open presents. Jews of the world, take note. We need a Hanukkah guy.

The other day I told him to look in his room for his shoe and he said he already did and it's not there. I said yes it is. He said, no it's not, "I looked and my eyes were big and I could see the whole room and I didn't see it." The shoe was there, but at least I now know he's a forest not a tree guy.

We watched Iron Giant and he asked me why the hunters "shooted" the deer. Trying to avoid the subject of hunting for at least a few more months, I said some people shoot the animals and eat them for food. He asked me if I shooted the chicken we had last night.

Out of nowhere Ike can count to 14 now. He also knows lots of letters. Now that everything is about sibling rivalry, if Ike knows something Harry doesn't... it gets ugly fast. I've been trying to slow his learning down but I can't.

Ike also smiles mischievously and asks, "whahsay?" He'll keep doing it over and over and I have to admit it's very cute for the first thirty times.

K?

When Harry woke up this morning he said that he'd had a bad dream. I asked him what it was about and he told me, "a skeleton was coming out of there," by which he meant his closet. I really hope he doesn't have skeletons in his closet. He's only four and quarter.

He also heard a bit of classical music today and said he didn't like it. He said sometimes bad songs are written by good guys. That's very true. But I think the opposite is true more often.

Ike doesn't have a huge vocabulary but he can now add "diarrhea" to his lexicon. And more than a few diapers.

He also says, "k?" As in okay. A lot. After every sentence. Like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2.

From Here to Saturn

In order to quote every precious thing Harry says these days I'd have to put a wire on him. Since he doesn't even like the tags on the back of his shirts, taping a mic to his chest isn't an option, so here's a quick sampling:

We were playing Crazy 8's and I told him that when he holds his cards in his hand it's called a fan. He told me, "it's also called a full housin'."

He told me the bad guy on Batman is called the "Judger." I had a hard time deciphering that one but eventually figured he meant the Joker. He said, "Yeah, the Joker, 'cause he's always telling everyone funny jokes." Personally, I think the Judger would be a cooler bad guy than the Joker.

He also asked Rach if when we got married we went out and hugged and kissed each other. Which we did.

In a particularly circular bit of logic, he said he likes his new babysitter Joanna. Why? Because she likes when he shows her how to use his leapfrog, which he likes to do so he likes her and she likes him.

Best of all he said he loved mommy so much he loved her from here to Saturn. Me too, Mommy.

Ike's working on his counting these days: "One, two, seven... nine... seven! Blast off!"

He also thinks all sports on TV are soccer. So during the World Series, he would say, "Daddy Soccer?"

He's also got all the foods down that the Very Hungry Caterpillar ate on Saturday: "chocake (chocolate cake), i-cree (ice cream), pickul (pickle), cheese (obvious), mami (salami), lolpop (obvious, too), pis cher pa (piece of cherry pie), sachich (sausage, my fav), cucake (cupcake) pis wamella! (piece of watermellon!)" Then he rounds it out with his impersonation of a caterpillar with a stomach ache: (face scrunched) ooooh!

Popin'

About a year ago, Harry invented... well a word, but it's also an action. "Poping," as in, "Daddy, I'm poping." Poping is best described as pimpin' with a cane, even though Harry doesn't know what pimping is. He takes a stick, umbrella, you name it and starts strutting with it. No idea where he picked it up, but he had an umbrella in his hand the other day and out of the blue, started to teach Ike to "Pope." And I have to admit, Ike's a good Poper. Maybe better than Harry.

Harry had a Halloween party today and went dressed as Iron Man. Someone thought he was a power ranger. C'mon, seriously? A power ranger? My kid?

He also told me that a girl from his class has a nice smile. That he likes her smile and other girls' smiles too. But he ALSO said that he doesn't like one boys' eyes. Rach thought maybe Damien from the Omen was in his class but it turns out the kid's Chinese. I shit you not.

Ike has a firm grasp of ownership now. He points to everyone in the room and says, "Harry Juice, Ikey Juice, Daddy Juice." But he still thinks everything's his.

Get Down Girl

Ike saw a mummy on TV and said "Mummies lots of boo boos!" Never thought of it that way, but it's an impressive conclusion to make. He also thinks all superheroes are Spider Man. Which drives Harry crazy, especially since Harry's underwear are covered with lots of different superheroes.

Harry and I were walking home Friday night and he was singing "Gold Digger," which is his favorite song, even though he thinks it's called "Get Down Girl, G'head Get Down." So we wind up on the corner and three young ladies are all dolled up to go out and he starts singing the chorus, "Get Down Girl, G'head Get Down." He's already got his pick up lines down.

Harry was also very excited about my movie Secrets in the Walls airing on TV. But when he caught ten minutes he got scared. At bedtime, he asked me not to write scary movies anymore, and then this morning, while he and Ike were brushing their teeth, he asked Ike: "Ike? Did Secrets in the Walls scare you?" But nothing scares Ike. Except the prospect of a global "juice-milk" shortage.

No one Loses

Harry was racing Ike to the top of the hill today and stopped, took some dramatic breaths and said, "Daddy, I'm out of power." Despite this, he beat Ike to the top and yelled "I win!" Ike wasn't far behind and also yelled, "I win!" I like that Ike doesn't actually know what that means. 'Cause when he finds out, it's gonna get ugly around here. I also asked Harry if he knows what a tie is. He said he does, but didn't provide an answer. So I asked/said, "Is a tie when no one wins?" He corrected me and said "No, it's when no one loses." God, I'm such a bummer.

Also, Ike now asks "Where it is?" Instead of Where is it. But I think it's because he's training to be a pimp.

Daddy Juice!

That's pure Ike right there. We went through the pre-loaded icons on my phone and identified the pictures. "Cat... Dog... basketball..." (which was actually a smiley face, but close enough). But it gets better: the next image was a mud flap girl and Ike said, "mommy!" High five for that. Next image was a wine glass and he said, "Daddy Juice!" No high five for that.

Harry has so many gems these days it's hard to remember them all. I accidentally mentioned the death of someone's grandmother in front of him the other day and he's been very curious about it. I told him old people eventually fall asleep forever. He said he wouldn't like that. But he's just a kid. And there's no old kids, right daddy? I didn't want to get into an explanation of Progeria so I just agreed. The other thing he says these days when he's reminded of something he'd like to do is, "I've never done that in a while." He also told my father to be Captain America for Halloween because he's big.

FRED!

I told Harry that Mommy and I were going to a wedding. He said he doesn't like weddings. The one he went to with mommy was " just two people getting in love."

He also was playing with his Batman toy and noticed something very interesting. "Batman wears the same Batman shirt as me!"

He also finally understands the division of labor on Scooby Doo: "Shaggy and Scooby eat; Velma does science, Fred sets traps and Daphne says 'Fred!' Because some ladies don't like traps."

And I'm in the middle of doing a linguistic study of Ike. As Eskimos have over a hundred words for snow, Ike seems to have over a hundred words for "no." But as far as I can tell, they convey no nuance. They all just mean "no."

My Son is Collier Strong

Harry's watching Scooby Doo and says, "Velma's wearing lipstick today." And if that's not odd enough, he follows up with, "Maybe it's Daphne's."

He also said, "some doors are windows, some doors have windows in the down part and some have windows in the other thing." If makeup artist doesn't work out, I think he could be an interior designer.

My favorite phrase of Ike's now is "ice cream chocolate," which can mean ice cream of any flavor or chocolate of any shape. He also had me singing the theme song to the Pink Panther. I switched it up on him and sang Thomas the Train which he identified as "Choo choo Thomas!" Then he had me going back and forth between the two like a mash up. I wasn't bad.

Daddy's no superhero

Harry told me he had a bad dream but didn't want to tell me what it was about. Then he told me what it was about: apparently there was a bad guy who was bonking me on the head. I told him he didn't need to worry about me because I can take care of bad guys. He thought about it, then told me he didn't really think so.

So I'm putting that little prick to work as a chef:



















Ike pointed to three different things in row today that were orange and said "orange." And no, they weren't oranges. He also gave me a head butt. And then he kissed the lump.

My son is a genius

Been awhile folks. Here goes:

While I was away on a Steve Belkin retreat, Harry spent the day with his friend Annabel. He told me about her "singing beaver." Apparently, and I'm not kidding, it had a little red button that, when pressed, it sang. That's my boy.

He also told me while watching Spider Man that he doesn't like when vulture-men take beautiful girls and many times since my last post he's mentioned how much he loves mommy because she's warm. That she is.

As for Ike. Wow. These days he's saying "tanks" when you deliver juice. He knows all the words in his big picture book but since Harry's saying the first letter, Ike thinks that's now part of the word too. So he says, "one is for dog" and "g is for boy." you get the picture. he also says "please" like "mother fucker," which is kind of awesome actually. "Daddy I want more juice, PLEASE!"

more soon. i've been lazy. no longer (thanks DM)

Math

Been a while but I couldn't avoid writing this down. So Harry learned what a knuckle was today. Later, in the bath, he said, "Daddy, I have eight nipples!" Naturally, I asked him to explain and he proceeded to count four knuckles on one hand, then four on the other. He said, four plus four is eight. Eight nipples. 800 Math, 550 English.

All I can say about Ike is "DIEGO DIAPER!" If you know him, you know that phrase.

Cool but Punchable

Today when I was playing soccer with Harry he said,"you're nice to me. I love you. And you look cool, Daddy." Finally someone appreciates me.

The jury's still out on Ike. I stubbed my toe and dropped to my knees in pain. Rach told Ike to give me a kiss. Instead he socked me in the jaw. Funny kid.